The Dangerous Snorkelling Club: Bad Snorkellers Have Bad Snorkelling Experiences

Look Ma, I'm flying

Imagine you've read a recent magazine article that extolled the virtues of hiking. The article contained pictures of people hiking over mountains, through valleys and along wild, wind swept coastlines. Oooh! You think, that looks fun. I could do that. In fact I could do that when I next go on holiday. So, flicking on the computer, you surf the web. find a travel website and book yourself a hiking holiday on a sun-kissed Island somewhere. The great thing about hiking, you think, is that anyone can do it. After all the magazine article even had pictures of grey-haired old people smiling at each other as they stood on top of a craggy mountain. If the old wrinklies can hike up a mountain, you can too. The other great thing about hiking is that you don't need any special equipment except a sturdy pair of walking boots. So you buy a pair of all terrain, super-duper, one-size-fits-all boots you saw on a snazzy website, sling them in your suitcase along with your swimsuit, sun lotion and camera and off you go.

Of course once you join all the other hikers you start to realise things aren't always as easy as they seem in magazine articles. For one thing your boots are bloody killing you. You've only walked the 300 yards from your hotel and your feet have already got blisters on their blisters. Now you're expected to walk up a mountain, most of which is obscured in clouds. You also notice that all the other hikers have packs on their backs, maps in their hands and one even has a compass dangling from the type of belt that wouldn't look out of place on Batman. They've also got walking sticks. Walking sticks! No one said you'd need a walking stick... You on the other hand are wearing a pair of designer shorts, a designer T-shirt, a designer baseball cap, several layers of sun lotion and of course your super-duper, one-size-fits-all, foot-killing boots. After only an hour, you realise that those backpacks the other hikers have also contain flasks of hot tea, sandwiches, extra layers of clothing, plastic raincoats, mosquito repellent, first aid kits and one bloody annoying bloke has even brought a spare pair of boots with him. A spare pair of boots! What you wouldn't give for a spare pair of feet! You're cold, tired and hungry. Your legs ache horribly and your feet are going to need to spend a week in an intensive care ward just to recover. Consequently you now hate hiking. It's stupid, painful and you swear blind that you'll never, ever, do it again. More than that though, you now really, really hate hikers. Those compass carrying, tea drinking, silly jumper wearing, grey-haired wrinklies with their smug grins and their bloody extra pairs of boots. They have memories, they have photos of mountains, valleys and epic coastlines whilst you just have blood-soaked socks, ruptured knees and agonising pains shooting up your legs.

Where did that bloody Stingray go?

Now that you've decided that hiking is a form of sado-masochism, you decide to do something a little more relaxing. You decide to go snorkelling. After all, you read somewhere about the amazing marine life that lurks beneath the crystal clear waters. How hard can snorkelling be? Anyone can do snorkelling can't they? You've seen pictures of young children and old people, all enjoying the pleasures of snorkelling and of course you don't need any training. All you need is a sun-kissed location and one of those all-in-one, super-duper, one-size-fits-all, nose breathing mask things... What are they called again?

I think you may have started to see where we are going here. Bad equipment and poor preparation always lead to bad experiences, no matter what sport or hobby you do.

For instance, after a very enjoyable trip to Papagayo beach in Lanzarote where we had seen a three-metre wide stingray, barracuda, lizard fish and shoals of bream, mullet and more, we were heading back to our apartment in the Rubicon Marina when we noticed two men snorkelling in the bay below. Nothing unusual in that you might think, this was Papagayo and there are always lots of snorkellers in the water. These two however were different, they were wearing full-face masks, shorts and nothing else. No rash vests, no wetsuits and no fins. We watched for a while as they tried to swim face down, their legs thrashing against the water in a vain attempt to propel themselves forward. They splashed about for a few minutes before fatigue seemed to get a grip of them. Treading water they removed their masks and seemed to take great gulps of air. Clearly they were not having a good time and for a moment we were concerned that they were getting into serious difficulty. But a few moments later they placed their masks back on their faces and once again began thrashing their legs up and down. Slowly they made their way back to the beach, stopping every now and again to remove their masks and gulp air. We watched for a while until we were sure they had reached shallow water and were able to stand up in the water and walk back to shore. They looked tired, cold and decidedly unhappy. We doubt they had seen any stingrays, barracuda or anything else of interest and why would they. From their actions in the water their attentions seemed firmly fixed on the survival activities of breathing and swimming. Now maybe, this is what they think snorkelling is all about, maybe they enjoyed thrashing about in the water scaring all the fish away and maybe spending twenty minutes in the water, seeing nothing but the seabed and churned water whilst simultaneously getting cold and sun-burnt is their idea of a good time but we doubt it. In fact we'd hazard a guess that they no longer think snorkelling is an enjoyable pastime at all and might be considering taking up hiking instead.

Playing is fun...

In the pink in the blue

Who are you looking at Easybreath face?

As we have pointed out in previous posts, full-face masks are not the revolutionary product the manufacturers claim them to be. In fact, they are not very good at all, particularly if you intend to do something energetic like swimming. The manufacturers themselves point out that the full-face design makes vigorous activities like swimming extremely difficult, as doing so means you have to switch from nasal breathing to mouth breathing and full-face masks can't cope with this change in breathing technique and consequently the wearer can't get enough air. This may explain why the two men had to stop and remove their masks at regular intervals – they couldn't breathe. Now, wearing full-face masks is, in our opinion, pretty stupid but what's more stupid is trying to snorkel without fins. Fins or flippers if you prefer, are essential. They provide smooth propulsion through the water with minimal effort and prevent all that splashing about that drives marine life away. Snorkelling is all about observing the inhabitants of the ocean, silently gliding through the underwater landscape, not thrashing around like a wounded buffalo, churning up the water and scaring the crap out of everything within two miles of you. Another poor choice our two unfortunate snorkellers made was to go into the water without adequate UV protection. Whilst we were in Lanzarote the air temperature was a steady 30 degrees Celsius and the sun was particularly strong during the danger times of 11 am and 3 pm. Lying face down in cold salty water with your back exposed to such strong sunlight without a rash vest or wetsuit to protect you is simply asking for trouble. And don't think that sun screen is an effective counter measure, it isn't. Sun screen, even so called water proof ones, are no substitute for a good rash vest. Besides, if you believe all the environmentalist gumpf about sun screen leaching into the water and killing Nemo and his coral habitat, you shouldn't be lathering yourself up in the stuff in the first place.

So if you are thinking about doing a bit of snorkelling the next time you're on holiday, do yourself a favour and make some good choices. First get yourself a decent mask and a decent snorkel. Avoid full-face masks like the plaque. Kit yourself out with a decent UV protecting rash guard or a wetsuit and buy a decent set of fins. Because once you've got the right kit the ocean stops being a hostile, lung-bursting, skin-wrecking, muscle-tiring, scary environment and instead becomes an underwater playground full of wondrous things to see.

Alternatively, have you thought about skiing? How hard can that be? Just strap a couple of planks of wood to your feet and slide down some snow.... Anyone can ski can't they?