Yes,
it’s that time of the year when diving/snorkelling magazines, suppliers,
retailers and a host of bloggers pepper the web with their lists of the top
items any snorkeller, freediver or bubble blower would love to receive as a
Christmas present. As our two regular
readers will know however, we like to be different, so instead of giving you a
list of things we’d love to receive on Christmas morning here’s a list of the
things that would leave us crying into our over-cooked turkey.
 |
| Pink for girls? Isn't that a bit sexist? |
The
Easybreath Snorkel Mask
Oh
no, no and thrice no. Our most popular post to date concerns our review of this
most pointless of products and our irritation with it has grown on a daily
basis ever since. If you have the misfortune to receive one of these at
Christmas we can only imagine that the giver really, really, really hates you.
Of course if you have no interest in being able to breath properly, swim faster
than a drowning hedgehog or being able to go deeper than a few millimetres
without your face imploding, then the Easybreath Mask might just be your
thing. You will of course still look a complete twat on the beach.
 |
| Want to impress people in the pub? Join PADI. |
A
PADI Freediver course
Just
as some people buy their friends and family driving lessons, there are some
people who like to buy others diving courses and now that PADI have launched
their own freediving courses it is a real possibility that someone, somewhere.
might think it’s a good idea to enrol you on a course. Yes, the organisation
that brought you such speciality courses as “how to dive from a boat” and
“getting into the water from a beach” will now teach you to hold your breath
underwater. Honestly why not give us a paper cut and poor lemon juice into. Ok,
we may be being a bit unfair to PADI, but since here in the UK, PADI is
variously known as “McPadi”, “diving for dummies”, “pay another dollar
instantly” and of course, “got a buck, get a badge” you can understand our
reluctance to put our lives into the hands of a PADI Speciality-Commando-Adventurer-Shark-Whisperer-All-Round-Hero-Jedi-Master
or whatever they are calling themselves these days. If we want to go on a
course, we’ll book it ourselves thank-you-very-much.
 |
| Look at me, just look at me, I'm great! |
A
Selfie Stick
The
very name of these things point to their fatuous nature; you’ve spent a small
fortune for that once in a lifetime trip to Australia, Belize, Indonesia or
whatever “your-trip-of-a-lifetime” destination is. The water is crystal clear,
the reefs are teeming with marine life and the odd babe in a bikini and the
only photos/video you have of the whole trip is your face. People who give
selfie sticks for presents are only slightly less moronic than people who want
selfie sticks for Christmas presents.
 |
| Get twenty pairs and you've got a set of curtains |
A
Pair Of Plastic Boardshorts
If
Riz Smith ever manages to get his ocean plastic boardshorts to market (you can
do it Riz, just use the force) and there is currently nothing to suggest he
will, we don’t want a pair. Really, don’t any of you out there think about
buying us a pair of these, just don’t even think about it, don’t….!
 |
| Eduardo couldn't afford a proper snorkel set. |
A
Snorkelboard
Ah…
It’s a boogie board with a hole cut out of it? Honestly, a boogie board with a
hole cut out of it! Why? There is nothing else we can say really other than
Why?
 |
| The big outdoor kaftan |
A
Dry Robe
Get
changed. Stay warm, is the marketing blurb for this piece of kit that Sports
Diver Editor Mark Evans says should be in every diver’s or outdoors
enthusiast’s kit bag. We’re not so sure. After all, get changed means just that
– get changed. And staying warm means well… Staying warm. So why do we have to
put on what looks like our dad’s dressing gown for either. Fair enough if
you’re the type of person who ties a towel around yourself on the beach and
then attempts to put your bikini on then this might be the gift your looking
for, for everyone else out there who plans ahead by putting their swimwear on
before they get to the beach/dive boat then this is a really just a big, baggy
kaftan. A Kaftan people! Who wants to look like Demis Roussos after your dive
adventure? Who?
 |
| Get changed, stay warm and sing a sooonnggg! |
Diving
Jewellery
Okay,
we like the sea, we like marine life, we like snorkelling and freediving and
occasionally we stick a regulator in our mouths and make Darth Vader noises as
good as any bubble blower out there. But why oh why would anyone think that
because of these interests we would want to wear a sterling silver divers
helmet around our necks or a dolphin ring on our fingers. We know we act like
twelve-year-olds at times, particularly after a beer, but we’re not - really
we’re not. So put the jewellery down dummy and move away from the counter.
A
WWF Adoption Pack
Okay not really a diving/snorkelling gift per
se, but since we were foolish enough to head along to the World Wildlife Fund’s
Ocean Day presentation and suffered the mind numbing drivel (along with numbed buttocks from the ridiculously hard seats) from the professional “saving the
world” academics and others who seem to proliferate in the WWF, we thought we’d
make the point that we don’t want anything to do with the WWF organisation. We
don’t want to adopt a fluffy polar bear, a penguin or a tiger. We don’t want to
fund “sustainable fisheries”,
“sustainable forests” or WWF sponsored eco-tourism. We don’t want a
cuddly panda toy or to force native peoples from their lands (whilst apparently
having a policy to protect them. see links below) and we don’t want our money being used to fund
academics, sustainability managers, directors, yada-yada-yada. If we want to
support someone who, in our opinion, actually protects animals we’ll give our
money to Sea Shepherd, Shark Angels or a host of others out there who seem to
actually do something other than handing out logos to big businesses, holding
seminars, cosying up to questionable governments and funding the careers of
professional academics.
So that’s it. If you want us or anyone else out there to have a good time at Christmas get us something-anything-else!
No comments:
Post a Comment