SNORKELLING THE AZORES

The View from Villa Franca Do Campo islet from Ribiera Das Tainhas

The Azores are an island archipelago in the Atlantic Ocean located almost halfway between the USA and Portugal.  Nicknamed the Hawaii of Europe, there are nine major islands in the group, Sao Miguel being the largest and the most populated. Nobody actually knows who first coined the nickname but it’s very apt given the islands verdant landscapes, tropical flora, volcanic craters and a myriad waterfalls. The combination of which tend to draw the sportier type of tourist to the islands in search of adventure, none more so than Scuba divers. 

The Azores are reported to be amongst the best, if not the best diving location in Europe, with a great many diving and travel companies, along with the ubiquitous diving organisations such as PADI all expounding the islands abundance of marine life. Sharks, rays, dolphins, whales, tuna, barracuda, turtles and the dive disrupting Portuguese man-o-war all compete for the diver's attention with nudibranchs, jellyfish, bonito, hermit crabs, unicorn shrimp and moray eels.   

In fact, so inspired were we with the sales pitch for the islands, we immediately bought a dozen Hawaiian shirts, packed the snorkelling gear and headed for the airport intent on finding out if these wondrous sounding islands with their seemingly limitless dive sites had anything to offer the snorkeller? 

Although there are a number of direct flights available in the peak tourist season most flights from Europe connect to the Azores via Lisbon. There are also direct flights from Canada and the U.S - who knew that? 

Apparently, the best time to dive in the Azores is between March and May, which was disappointing as it was July! Still undeterred by this timing issue we took comfort in the fact that the daily temperature tends to be warmer between June and August but it is worth noting that even at the height of summer, daily temperatures rarely get above 25 degrees centigrade and the sea temperatures are cold all year round so best bring the winter wetsuit with you. Sticking with the weather for a moment, it is imperative to understand that although the Azores have, what is termed, a subtropical oceanic climate. It is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. This means that you will be often confronted with four seasons in a single day. In fact, so unpredictable is the weather on these islands that the local tourist board have installed a series of webcams at popular sites so you can actually see the weather at a specific site via the internet before travelling there. Which is a cool way of checking if it's worth making the journey. Although, the cameras are not always working very well. 

Now if you’re British, you will be used to experiencing the delights of Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter in-between breakfast and lunch but if you're not, you need to be pretty careful with what you pack. Our advice is to think lightweight, waterproof and windproof. You can get away with shorts and t-shirt at times but always, always, have a waterproof jacket or fleece with you as when it rains here it really doesn’t muck about. The islands are also subject to strong winds that appear and disappear with “sunbathing ruining” regularity.  

View of the Islet of Franco De Campo from the natural sea pools of Quinta Velha Das Amoreiras

We flew with TAP airlines from Heathrow via Lisbon to Ponta Delgado the capital of Sao Miguel Island and having managed to be re-united with our luggage without too much hassle we grabbed a taxi and headed for our accommodation on the southern side of the island located in the tiny town of Ribiera Das Tainhas which is just east of the larger town of Vila Franco De Campo. Now when we say just east, we initially thought that whatever amenities were not available in Ribiera Das Tainhas, it would be only a short walk to the larger town of Vila Franco De Campo with its bars, restaurants and main public beach. Disappointingly there was nothing, literally nothing in Ribiera Das Tainhas and owing to a map reading error it turned out to be a long, long, long, long walk to Vila Franco De Campo. A walk that is made even less enjoyable by the fact it is downhill all the way from Ribiera Das Tainhas and consequently, after food and beer, uphill all the way back! 

Added to this is the narrow, badly illuminated roads between the two towns and the inherent danger of the local’s driving skills or lack of them. Now this lack of driving sense is something that we have experienced on other islands and appears to be directly proportional to how laid back the local inhabitants claim their island is. The more laid-back, relaxed “manana attitude” that is purported to exist on the island the more likely it is that the locals will drive like maniacs when they get behind the wheel. It’s an odd phenomenon but we’ve seen it throughout the Greek Islands, Spain, Italy, the Canary Islands, Porto Santo and beyond.   

In short, if your waiter takes an hour to bring you the menu and seems so laid-back, he almost appears asleep, there’s a good chance that he has lead feet in more ways than one and is consequently quite incapable of driving any vehicle below its top speed at any point, even when parking! It's also why, no matter what island you are on, you will never see a local's car without several large dents in the side, nicely complemented by a dozen deep scratches and a wing mirror held on by gaffer tape.  

The locals need to get to get from one place where they can be laid-back to another place they can be laid-back is so imperative that safety, common sense and the aesthetic pleasure of owning an intact car are literally lost in a fog of brake fumes and tyre smoke. The upshot of this that we were going to need a car to travel between the two locations as walking wasn’t really an option and whoever was going to be driving would need their wits about them at all times.  

In fact, putting aside the locals apparent need to head out of this world in a blaze of burning rubber and the concerns of being on the same road as them, you are almost certainly going to need to hire a vehicle on the islands as public transport is limited and the local taxis are scarce and quite expensive.  

Fortunately for us, we visited Villa Franco De Campo on the first evening and found that apart from one reasonable restaurant the whole place was rather shabby. Graffiti seemed to adorn every wall and whole place had a lonely, unloved feel about it. This then settled the argument about who was going to be the designated driver for the evenings, we simply wouldn't need one, as locating the nearest supermarket we stocked up on beer and vittles' and headed back to our apartment intent on cooking our own food and drinking in the comfort and safety of our own sundeck - complete with its own barbecue - for the length of our stay. 

So why did you choose to stay in a place with little or no amenities then we hear you cry? Well, the reason is that our apartment was one of three available in the amazing Quinta Velha Das Amoreiras. Located in 2.6 hectares of banana plantation with swimming pool and more importantly, a private beach consisting of natural, volcanic pools and access to the ocean beyond - a snorkelling location par excellence.  The next morning, fed, watered and rested from the trials of travel, we headed down to our private beach to find out what the underwater world of the Azores had to offer.  

The path down to the private beach via the banana plantation

The Azores like the Canaries are volcanic in origin and consequently their beaches are made up of black sand. Now sand is a visibility killer in all but the calmest of seas, but black sand and Atlantic waves can reduce visibility to a few feet at best, so you need to take note of the weather conditions hours before you plan on going into the water.  

We experienced several days of high winds and strong waves, so visibility was compromised for most of the days we were in the water none the less the Azores did not disappoint. Barely a metre offshore we came across huge shoals of brightly coloured parrotfish gorging on algae covered rocks. Mingling amongst the parrotfish we saw grey triggerfish, seabream and below, lurking amongst the rocks, one of the largest Moray eels we’ve seen anywhere. When the visibility became too poor, we headed back into the relative comfort of the natural rock pools whose walls bloomed with anemones and fan worms. Atlantic prawns and blennies flitted between nooks and crevices whilst shoals of juvenile fish huddled together for safety in the darkest corners of the pools. 

 

Molly Miller Blenny

Parrotfish shoals

Disappointingly we didn’t see any of the larger species that inhabit the Azores but for those who are happy to spend some cash and join a guided snorkelling tour, there is the islet of Vila Franco which is visible from its namesake of Vila Franca De Campo. There are a number of companies that offer trips out to this islet which is a designated marine reserve and although we have mixed views about snorkelling tour groups and their providers, we would suggest that given the conditions in the Azores, a guided tour maybe the best option for the novice snorkeller. 

As for off the beach snorkelling, we would recommend the public beach at Ribiera Das Tainhas as this has a rockier terrain than most of the other beaches and is therefore more to our tastes. As we had our own beach to use, we didn’t try out any of the other sites on the North of the island and we deliberately avoided the public beaches at Vila Franco De Campo and the capital of Ponto Delgada which are just swathes of overpopulated sand and, as such, of no use to the snorkeller.  

Grey Triggerfish

Large Moray eel feeding on fish carcass

When the days are too wet or windy, or just for a change of scenery, Sao Miguel has a number of other sites to see and do. We highly recommend the volcanic park of Furnas; There are two sites to visit. The Crater and lake and then the thermal springs and surrounding Terra Nostra Park. The actual hot springs in the town are a tad disappointing, being just a yellowish-brown pool filled with what seemed like half the inhabitants of Germany but the surrounding nature park of Terra Nostra was impressive as was the crater. The town of Furnas is also much nicer than the areas we had seen before and worth a little wandering around, as there are a number of quaint cafes, bars and shops. Furnas is located in the East of the island, a short drive from Ribiera Das Tainhas and approximately 50 km from Ponto Delgado. 

The other recommendation is the most touristy of all; the Setes Cidades lagoon in the North West of Sao Miguel. Yes, this is probably the most photographed area of the island and will be thronged with tourists, but visiting Sao Miguel without seeing this iconic landscape would be like visiting Paris and not seeing the Eiffel Tower or going to New York and not having a chilli dog. It’s just something you have to do. There are two main lagoons that make up Setes Cidades, Lagoa Azul (blue lagoon) and Lagoa Verde (green lagoon). There are 15 other smaller lagoons but the views of the two main ones are pretty much as breath-taking as you can get and worth mingling with the throngs of hikers, push bikers and media influencers who crowd the viewpoints. 

 

European (Mediterranean) Fanworm

Snakelocks Anemone

Common Atlantic Prawn

As for the après snorkel of bars and restaurants? We couldn’t tell you about that as the desolations and despair of Vila Franco De Campo put us off. We drank at the apartment and ate at the apartment and to be fair we’re better cooks than we thought.  So, if you are up for a bit of adventure and happy to cook your own food then Sao Miguel is well worth a visit and we highly recommend staying at the Quinta Velha Das Amoreiras with its private beach, even if it is in the middle of nowhere.  

The lagoons at Setes Cidades

A quick note on hiring a car in the Azores. Check the vehicle out carefully and we mean carefully. We forgot to check that the windscreen wipers worked only to find out that they didn’t when we were caught in a sudden downpour on a hilly road near Furnas. Considering the driving skills of the locals; being blinded by rain when in fast moving traffic and travelling on an unknown road, the whole incident was not a fun experience. So makes sure you check everything out before taking possession of the vehicle.  

Further information:

Lonely Planet Guide click here

Things to do in Franco De Campo if your bored with snorkelling  - as if!

MILOS: SNORKELLING ON THE ISLAND THAT SOCIAL MEDIA RUINED

Papafragas Beach - Milos Island

It was not that long ago that you could fly into Athens Airport with little fuss and, having wandered through passport control via flight connections, you could watch bemused as stressed crowds of tourists from every far flung part of Europe and beyond, huffed and puffed past you, as they dashed in crazed fashion to make their connections to the Instagrammers favourite destinations of Mykonos, Santorini and Kefalonia. You meanwhile, could saunter along to a small check-in gate in the lower levels of the airport. And here, save for a few old hippies and and elderly couples in matching jackets and Panama hats, you could relax at the deserted gate whilst waiting to board your tiny little plane to a Island few had heard of and even fewer had visited; Milos.

Ah Milos! The island of limbless statues, bleached white lunar-landscape beaches, rocky coves and tranquil paths. A place you could travel around slowly, partaking of  modest spinach and cheese pies at a rustic tavernas and perhaps drink a cold, if somewhat fizzy beer, whilst watching the sun sink gently into a darkening sea. A paradise, a haven, a little utopia far from the madding crowd. 

There were of  course a few downsides to visiting the island of the Venus De Milo in the near past. Tourist infrastructure outside the main port of Adamantas was limited. There were few bars and the local tavernas insisted on serving you traditional home made fayre just like "Mama used to make". This would of course be great if "Mama" had been a Michelin starred chef but in most cases "Mama", tended to be the worst cook in the world. Either that or none of her family could read her recipes properly. 

The upside, though,  was that the island was an idyllic landscape of peace and quiet. You could, in fact, arrive at any of the beaches at anytime of day and chances are you would be the only ones there. Now however, the double-edged sword of social media has cleaved its relentless way across the island. Fuelled by big brand fashion labels using the lunar landscape of Sarakiniko as a backdrop for their photo shoots in 2021, the inevitable travel vloggers,  Instagram crowd and Tiktokers have picked up on the fashionista vibe and turning their backs on their former favourite destinations descended locust like on Milos. In particular the Island has become a must visit place for Americans who now seem to make up the majority of visitors to the island - at times it was the only accent that was audible in the throng.

This influx of visitors has had a significant impact on the island. New hotels and apartments have sprung up with frightening speed; there are more bars, more tavernas, more cafes, more taxis and more boats you can hire for day trips. Every beach, every viewing point or place of interest now reverberates with the sound of tourists traipsing here there and everywhere and yet, as these are the self appointed selfie-celebrities none of them are really seeing anything or even experiencing anything. Instead of photographing a picturesque church they are simply photographing themselves standing outside the picturesque church. That traditional meal that "Mama used to make". Well, now its just the foreground of another picture of another grinning Instagrammer pretending they are eating the finest meal that the land of Greece has ever proffered up.   

Beaches, bars, cafes, boats and pavements are infested with their ilk all being the main protagonist in their own movies, imploring the rest of us to believe that they are having a great time on a great island with their great friends or, at least, a better time than the rest of us mere mortals could ever have. The island is no longer a beautiful tranquil haven to appreciate and unwind in, rather it is just the backdrop for endless self promotion. An advert for your lifestyle and of course that new lip filler to sell to your doting audience. It's all very odd. And to be honest, it must be incredibly exhausting to endlessly pretend that your so excited about everything that you eat, drink, see, smell, wear, drive or inject into your forehead, that it needs to be endlessly recorded for the world to see and comment on. 

This of course is not a new phenomenon. The in-crowd have always flocked like hungry pigeons to whichever place happens to be the most fashionable to be seen in, but does their presence actually make anything or anywhere better? Well, as mentioned, there are new and expensive hotels and apartments and the bars and tavernas needed to cater to the new influx have appeared alongside and I doubt the local business owners are complaining about their bank balances but got better? In short. No. Instead it's just got busier and more expensive. 

Those tranquil, deserted beaches we spoke of, well they're now crowded from early morning to late afternoon. The tavernas', even those serving the most mediocre of fayre are so busy that you have to often book a table long in advance. Gone are the days of the lazy drive on deserted roads and carefree strolls along sandy beaches, the sound of water lapping shore being the only disturbance heard in the still, warm air. Now though, everything's a rush. The crowds, cameras poised like weapons, rush to be seen here and there, to photograph themselves eating breakfast and sipping coffee,  film themselves driving along roads thick with traffic, before sunbathing and splashing in the sea with the other selfie obsessed and then back to the hotel to film the skin regime and make up tips before heading out to do the video at that restaurant, you know the one, that place where everyone whose anyone goes to eat Greek stuff and watch the sun go down. And then to bed, but not before shooting your pre-sleep film -  phew! It's tiring stuff all this influencing.

So, if it's all now crowded, noisy and full of Media cultists, what's the point of visiting the place then! Granted, you have to accept that the tranquillity of the place has been lost to history but for the adventurous snorkeller, Milos still has a lot to offer. From the shipwreck at Sarakiniko to the coves and caves of Papafragas and the rocks of Pollonia beach, the underwater world can offer some peaceful respite from the hustle and bustle of the Instagrammers dystopia. 

So here's the lowdown.

First the accommodation. Whatever you do, avoid Adamantas or Adamas as it's known. This is the main port of the island and is a heaving, crowded world of ferry passengers, freight lorries and the scourge of all Greek Islands, lounge bars. These bars surround the sea front like lurking predators. We can't express our horror at lounge bars, they are like entering one of the circles or hell and must be avoided at all costs. Instead head North to Pollonia or the village of Plaka. We prefer Pollonia, particularly the very northern tip around Pollonia beach. It is more expensive here than the downmarket prices of Adamas but the accommodation is far better as are the views and the ease of access to the best snorkelling areas.  

Do my lips look plumper in this picture?

Second, the beaches: the best are Pollonia beach, Papafragas, and Sarakiniko. Pollonia beach is particularly good around Poseidon rock, the water being accessed easily near the Apollon apartments and White Pebble Suites, amongst others. Here you will often catch site of Turtles gently swimming by, along with the ubiquitous shoals of Sea Bream, Damsel fish, Sarpa and Parrot fish. The algae covered rocks are also home to Blennies and Harlequin fish. The more observant of you may also catch site of Moray eels lurking amongst the nooks and crannies. The presence of these creatures, whether seen or not, means that it's always wise to be aware of where you are putting you hands. Morays aren't inherently dangerous to snorkellers unless provoked, but if they are they can be very aggressive and are capable of doing serious damage. A Moray eel bite is extremely painful and although not venomous their bite can lead to serious infections and complications, so caution must always be taken around these creatures.

Mediterranean Moray eel amongst the rocks of Pollonia Beach

In Papafragas and Sarakiniko you'll find similar fish species and if you're lucky you will see flat fish and cuttlefish semi-buried in the sand. Around all rocky areas keep your eyes out for fan worms, nudibranchs (soft-bodied marine molluscs), starfish and Sea cucumbers, In the caves and coves of Papafragas you'll also find thick-lipped mullet and thick shoals of juvenile sardines and the young fry of other species. 

All these beaches are in the North located along the coast road between Pollonia and Plaka. Papafragas is much easier reached by by travelling from Pollonia past Papafragas itself and taking the next right turn into the village between Pachena beach and Papafragas. Once parked, walk directly east to the large rocky shoreline. This means you will avoid the main Papafragas cove which, although picturesque, is quite narrow and not particularly good for entry or exit. 

One of the caves at Papafragas Beach

Pollonia Beach view from White Pebbles Suites

Sarakiniko has a well sign posted turning on your right as you travel from Pollonia. Be aware that sea life is most active in the early morning and late afternoon when conditions are more favourable for feeding. As the temperatures in the shallows rise then some species are driven into the deeper cooler waters.. So you should arrive early and we mean very early. 7am is the best time for the morning so you can get in and out of the water before the mid morning rush when the whole place will be worse than a public swimming pool in the school holidays as the social the media set descend to splash and preen and generally get in the way of everything and drive the marine life further off shore. 

A word of warning. Just as the island attracts the shore based crowd it also attracts the richer water borne tourist as well. So whenever your snorkelling please be aware of motorboats, catamarans and sail boats that often cruise into secluded coves. Always use a surface buoy to alert sailors to your presence and wear bright rash vests or wetsuits when possible. Also keep close to rocky areas when boats are around as there is no guarantee that the skippers of these vessels are paying attention to a bobbing head in the water, so best to be safe rather than sorry. As we say, be early, as boat captains and day trippers don't tend to be early risers either.

Beware boats entering secluded coves and bays -  always use a diver down or swimming buoy

There are a large number of beaches to the south of the Island and these are reached by road and dirt tracks from Adamantas, just head for the airport, past the quarry and follow the signs.  These Southern sites are the beaches of Fyriaplaka, Tsigradro, Gerontas and Kalomos amongst others. All are Sandy (sand ruins visibility) and with the exception of Tsigrado all are commercialised. Tsigrado though is not for the feint of heart, as it can only be accessed via precarious route of ladder and rope. Once reached however, the beach is somewhat of a disappointment, being a little more than a narrow gorge and, being small, even half a dozen people can make the place feel crowded.

We have spotted cuttlefish at Fyriplaka in the early morning, but due to the boat renting operation on this beach along with kayaking and other water sports it does not really have much to offer the snorkeller. However, if the wind is blowing strongly from the north and the snorkelling sites of Sarakiniko et al are not accessible, then a trip south for lazy day on the beach isn't too much hardship. 

A juvenile Cuttlefish speeds across the sand at Fyriplaka - very early morning

So what about the Après Snorkel? Well here lies a problem. Yes, the island has lots of tavernas, restaurants and cafes and there are even one of two (non-lounge bar) bars to sip a few cold ones but most are very mediocre and the ones that aren't can be eye wateringly expensive. Now before anyone gets on our case about Greek food particularly Jon from Samos judging by his previous comments,  let's be clear, we do like Greek food. A well prepared traditional Stifado or Kleftiko can be a treat to the taste buds and when it comes to putting cheese on salad the Greeks have their name all other that one. But there is only so much Feta and Olive oil you can eat and we know it's "Mama's recipe" but it tastes exactly like the stuff served next door -  perhaps "Mama is moonlighting"?  Oh and for some reason, you can't actually get a Stifado or Klefitiko that easily. You can get a stuffed burger patty, the ubiquitous Souvlaki skewer and for some reason Salmon! I mean Salmon in Greece, not exactly straight off the local boat for that one. 

Anyway, what we are saying is that we occasionally like a change, which is the problem, as most of the Taverna's don't! If you what to delve into the world of Greek cooking there are plenty of choices, some good and some bad, you pays your money and you takes your choice so to say. However  if you are staying in Pollonia there are a couple of additions just to mix things up a bit. 

Firstly there is Hanabi, the name means fireworks in Japanese and the restaurant labels itself as seaside sushi.  Yeah, we know, it sounds like one of those whelk stalls you used to find in a British seaside town where each meal came with a disclaimer and the telephone number of the local hospital. But don't let that put you off, this place is very good and offers a distinctively different way to eat the local catch of the day with everything from Sashimi, Sushi, Gyoza (dumplings) to main courses of Teriyaki and a rather good Spicy Ramen. The waiters here will all so warn you about the Salmon, advising you that it is shipped in from Scandinavia so isn't fresh before they go on to tell you about their signature sushi rolls, two of which contain Salmon....! This place isn't traditional Japanese in any sense but rather Japanese inspired but they make a good effort, the food is good as is the presentation and and ambience.

Beware though, Hanabi is not cheap and you can easily rack up a bill in excess of 100 euros in very little time. That said though, most of the restaurants in the area will charge you upwards of 60 euros for two with drinks and some considerably more. 

Hanabi Pollonia

The next idea and we know that Jon from Samos is going to get hot under the collar on this, you should try Jordan's pizza. This used to be steak house and a damn good one too but now they do Pizza and they're pretty good at that as well. You can get all the standard pizza's plus a few specials along with Pasta, various salads and sides. The pizza's are not small so one pizza between two people is more that enough for anyone barring the biggest appetites. A meal for two with starters, a side and  drinks will set you back around 40 - 50m euros. 

Finally there is the Enalion Restaurant, which we were told was one of, if not the best that Pollonia has to offer. It serves regular Greek fayre and you definitely have to book if you want to eat at a reasonable time. On the night we visited the wind was blowing quite hard so sitting outside by the beach was like being sand blasted from time to time but the food was fine if a little bland - though the Shrimp Saganaki was nice. Again prices were upwards of 60 euros for two with drinks. 

Its worth noting that the trend for dining on the beach has taken off big time in Milos but really? Sand in your food and drink? It's not that romantic is it and lets face it, not that original either. Beach dining is for calm nights only - so avoid September when it can get distinctly windy in Milos.  

Choices for breakfast or light lunches get better during the day with various cafes being open. Try breakfast or lunch in the Deck overlooking the bay and at night you can sup a few drinks at the Cactus bar or if you are more in the mood for some hippiesh or somewhat eclectic music choices to accompany your after dinner drinks try the Opsidanos Art Cafe and Bar further up the bay towards the White Pebble Suites. This open all day from 11am to late and offers food as well as drink. A little further up and to the left there is also the Apollon bar located in the Apollon apartments which over looks the rocks and is a great place to watch the sunset from. 

Of course, no matter where you go the Social Media crowd won't be far behind or in some cases have already beaten you there. It really is a lament to say that the Island has been ruined. Still, as with all things trendy, they come and go and perhaps soon the crowds will find a new a place to flock to and the island of Venus returns once more to a place of tranquil calm. Until then, if you haven't snorkelled here its definitely worth a look, but for us, for now, we'll head somewhere else - somewhere less in with the in-crowd!

Look at me, looking at you, looking at me, oh an influencers day on the beach for me!

Flights to Milos connect out of Athens with Aegean and SkyExpress

There are also regular ferry sailings from Piraeus Harbour, Athens

One last word on travel to Milos. The airport on the island is small and check-in for return flights to Athens is a bit of a palaver. Also if the wind is a little strong or blowing from the wrong direction then flights to and from Athens cannot take off or land. 

The Check-in staff will also not tell you about any of this until the last minute and the information boards are often wrong or not updated. So please make sure you keep up to date with a relevant flight tracker or your airlines webpage, although Aegean is a little tardy in updating it's information so they are not all ways helpful.

Ferry's to and from Adamantas and Piraeus are quite regular and take around three hours. Tickets for two are around 150 euros one way. But be warned the crossings can be choppy so make sure you have your sea legs at the ready. 

A few additional links

Accommodation via expedia in Pollonia, Plaka etc. We recommend Venia's Guesthouse, The Apollon Apartments and White Pebble Suites, all located near each other. 

Habani, Pollonia

Enalion Restaurant, Pollonia

Beaches in Milos, for the best part of Pollonia avoid the main town beach and head north to the rocky cape by Poseidon rock.

Certification Cards: Sport Diving's Aid to Picking Up Girls

Hey girl, wanna get wet?

Snorkelling is for big girls and sissies. Real men; tough, grab-life-by-the-balls men go SCUBA diving. SCUBA, after all, has loads of equipment. Stuff like valves and regulators and cylinder thingies. You know, the real technical stuff that only tough, black-clad hero types can possibly understand. And of course, you need training; tough, stamina-stretching, mind-challenging training. The sort of training that needs to be delivered by tough, hard trainers who, in another life, would have been NASA pilots or special forces soldiers had they not had flat feet, weren’t scared of the dark and didn't have to take care of their dad's photocopying business. And, once you completed this training for heroes you get certified!

Anyone can snorkel, but only real tough guys are bona fide divers with a plastic laminated id cards to prove it. Right? The idea that being a certified recreational diver makes you some kind of underwater James Bond is, and always has been, complete nonsense. Yet, amongst some sports diving enthusiasts and lets face it, a lot of instructors, the belief still persists. We’ve all met the pub bore whose list of career experiences exceeds the years they’ve actually been alive and they are properly found in all recreational sports but for some reason they seem particularly drawn to the world of SCUBA diving. One reason for this, in our opinion, is the sheer number of “professional diving” courses you can take and subsequently all those lovely laminated cards you can collect. But is the world of badge collecting SCUBA tough guys under threat? For a few years now the world of recreational diving has been dramatically changing, so much so that SCUBA diving has become… well passé. You see nowadays, real adventurous men with their beautiful, adventurous and tough bikini-clad girlfriends now go freediving, which is diving without all the faff – no tanks, no tubes, no regulators, etc. etc.

Imagine how galling it must be for tough guy Brad, to flash his laminated boat diver card like an FBI agent at the sexy blonde sitting at the bar, only to have her raise a perfectly manicured eyebrow and whisper “oh darling, I only date men who can hold their breath for ten minutes" then wink suggestively. All that pool training, all that money spent on buoyancy control devices and plastic laminated cards that certify you as a shore diver, underwater photographer and advanced bubble blower and you can’t even use them to pick up girls anymore. Now before SCUBA fraternities around the world get all hot and bothered and threaten to whip us with their hoses think about it for a minute. Apart from getting an extra luggage allowance from the airline why would you need these ID’s if it’s not to impress girls at bars? Who has ever been stopped by the beach police and asked to prove they’re licenced to use the SCUBA tanks they’re putting on or that they’ve undergone a course of instruction on reading a dive computer? The answer is no one. Ever! More of this later, but let’s get back to those tough guy sports divers getting frustrated at having freedivers stomping all over their macho turf. How are they going to get laid now? Well, if you can’t beat them, join ‘em. The beautiful world of freediving could be yours Brad, you just need err…. some training.

That though is the problem. Who exactly do you go to to get that training? After all there aren’t that many expert freedivers in the world, mainly due to the fact that the majority of the worlds best freedivers tend to kill or maim themselves by… Well freediving.

But that problem seems to have been swept aside, because now, the same people who can teach to you to fall off a boat with style or waddle into the sea from shore or even take a professional underwater holiday snap can now teach you to freedive. Yep the SCUBA diving organisations of the world have spotted the changing trend in recreational diving that threatens to stop bubble blowers picking up girls at bars and are surfing to the rescue.

If there is a something you want to do underwater, the diving organisations probably have a course for it. Which brings us back to the these courses, the ID cards that come with them and the question of how?

Are you certified to do that?

How can there be instructors out there who are qualified to teach SCUBA, photography, videography, cave diving, tech diving, underwater sculpture, deep-sea mountaineering and now freediving as well? All right we made two of those up. But we think you get the point.

Now, if any of you have heard of Malcolm Gladwell, you will know of his 10000-hour theory. Simply put, you need to have carried out 10000 hours of deliberate practice to become an expert. Assuming you did nothing else but practice for eight hours a day, every day, it would still take you almost three and half years to become an expert at something. Something like… Say.... Open water diving. And, assuming you want to be taught by an expert and not some nineteen year-old surfer dude on a gap year, that means the person who’s teaching you to dive from a boat should have many, many years of boat diving experience. If they also taught freediving, underwater photography, tech diving and cave diving as well then they would have spent around seventeen and half years practicing themselves and that’s before they have learnt to teach. All in all, if such an expert instructor existed, and they don’t, then they would have spent the best part of two decades of careful practice before they even met their first student. Possible from a time point of view maybe, but hardly from a financial one. After all, no one moves to Bali to become a diving instructor because they are a raging success in their own country.

Gladwell’s theory does, we agree, tend to fall down a bit since there is such a thing as skill transference and aggregation of experiential learning and it recent times it has come in for some heavy criticism. But it does point at a clear problem in the world of recreational diver training which is that most of it is utter garbage. In fact it is the training organisations themselves that seem to be fueling the Walter Mitty mentality that permeates the sport.

The problem is one of regulation. You cannot get a licence to drive a car without undergoing an independent test and nor can you fly a plane or even parachute out of it without undergoing an examination of your skill by an external assessor. And you can’t be a special forces soldier without undergoing rigorous assessment of your physical and mental capabilities. Yes you can buy the badge and pretend you are one but you’re not and never will be because it’s tough, very tough and the forces weed out those who are not up to standard. Wanting to just use the badge to pick up girls is unlikely to be enough motivation to get you through that sort of course.

In the world of sport diving no such standard exists. The same people who train you are the same people who certify you and in such a self-regulating world the idea that the person who takes your hard earned bucks to train you to dive is at the end of the course going to say “sorry mate, you're crap at this” and refuse to certify you is just ludicrous.

The training organisations are in it for the money and telling their students that the training they’ve just spent their money on has led to nothing is a quick way of going bust or getting sued. Of course if such a standard did exist, if each nation had a law that said an externally assessed sport diving certification was a legal requirement for diving in their jurisdiction then the same organisations would probably get sued to destruction anyway. Would this be a bad thing? We don’t thing so. In such a world, the number and types of course would fall dramatically, training would be globally recognised, organisations would be legally accountable and instructors would be externally assessed yearly to ensure that they really were experts and not just selling cards that you can use to  pick up girls at bars.

I think we're gonna be sick!

This of course will never happen anytime soon since the training organisations would fight tooth and nail to stop their business model going belly up overnight. But maybe one day it will. But for now tough guy SCUBA divers will be able to train to dive without tanks and sexy blondes will still have laminated cards flashed in their faces and endure long lectures at the bar about breath hold techniques ad nauseam.

For the rest of us though, we will still know that most freedivers never underwent any formal training, never paid to get a laminated piece of card and never ever had anyone train them to fall off a boat. We will know that far from being for sissies, snorkelling is still the best route into recreational freediving and spearfishing and it always has been. Remember skin diving anyone? And, we will know that SCUBA diving is full of phony expensive courses, taught by trainers who aren’t experts, designed so that Walter Mitty types have a chance at getting laid.

And for those sexy girls in bars we offer this piece of advice. If you ever meet someone who shows you a freediving certification card, prepare for a long and boring evening of tough guy talk or make your excuses and go find some snorkellers. We don’t have cards that certify we can hold our breath but we do know what to do with a snorkel.

Here’s some links to diver ready. A pretty good YouTube channel where the host outlines some of the utter nonsense that infests the sport diving world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0s-qPErecA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWTmwasCCUY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vH43G4HE3VA

And here is one of our other posts about freediving courses.

https://snorkelclub.blogspot.com/2015/11/badges-we-dont-need-no-stinking-badges.html

Full-Face Snorkel Masks Save The World! Err... No

The sun is shining, the temperature is rising and thoughts turn to palm trees swaying in a sultry breeze, warms waters lapping against shore and the delights of dipping beneath azure waters to gaze upon Cousteau's underwater empire. Unfortunately though, such thoughts must be put on an indefinite hold as Covid-19 or SARS 2, The Revenge, as it is probably being called in Hollywood meetings, wreaks havoc on the tourism and aviation industry alike.

Still if you can't actually partake of your beloved water sport, you can still gain a modicum of pleasure in browsing the interwebby looking for some new whizzy bit of kit. There is nothing that enthusiasts of all sports like better than owning a new piece of tech. And there is nothing that sports kit manufacturers like better than selling us their shiny new gizmos, gadgets and thingamajigs that, they assure us, will make us look cool and fashionable the next time we go to the beach or step onto that dive boat.

Let’s face it; we’re all guilty of this aren’t we? Who among us hasn’t disposed of a perfectly usable piece of gear and replaced it with something we really didn’t need but it was a “bargain” and it looks soooooo good?

There are of course people who take such guilty pleasures too far. These people are called PADI diving instructors. Then there are people who don't go far enough. For this second group of people being cool and fashionable on the beach can be achieved with a single purchase, for they believe that coolness comes not from a natty rash vest, a snazzy wetsuit or even a body shape that resembles something faintly human. For them all water sport chic is wrapped up in a single piece of sci-fi wizardry, the full-face snorkel mask. These people are called many things, none of which is polite. But spare a thought for these people for in this dark and cloudy time their world is becoming even less pleasant.

Decathlon, the French originators of the first full-face mask are limiting purchases of their full-face masks to just 2 per person. This means that the poor, fashion challenged, purchasers of these masks are denied the chance to own every available colour these things come in. Oh the inhumanity of it all…!  Imagine having to go to the beach in your blue shorts and not having a blue mask to match. And let’s not forget the poor wives, in their pink bikinis, not being able to get a matching pink mask to complete the ensemble and having to make do with the boring white one instead!

I SAID. WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THAT LECTURE ON HAND SIGNALS

Why is this happening? Well apparently, scientists, medics, students and people in sheds across the world are busily retrofitting full-face masks and turning them into ventilators and personal protective equipment in order to support the global fight against the pesky virus. Manufacturers like Decathlon are assisting in this by helping with supply and advice and therefore stocks are reduced.

Anyone who’s read our previous pieces on full-face masks couldn’t help but notice that we are not fans of these things. We think that they are…. how can we put this… not very good at all. But even we couldn’t have a problem with them being used in the battle against Covid could we? Err… Yeah we could.

Putting aside the ingenuity of the boffins and shed workers who are refitting these masks and their undoubted desire to help for one minute and assuming that Decathlon and other manufacturers are being nothing but altruistic in their assistance, we still feel a little uncomfortable about all this.

Imagine for instance that you are rushed into hospital panting like an asthmatic hippo, your lungs ridden with virus. You’d want the medics to use everything in their armoury to help you right? You’d want ventilators, drugs and computer panels that beep and flash every twenty seconds. But would you want a doctor to pull out a pink plastic full-face snorkel mask with a balloon thingy attached and slap it on your face. Would you? Really?

Let’s face it, lying in a hospital bed all wheezy and pale with cannulas in your veins and tubes shoved up your never-regions is not exactly dignified. To then have your head cocooned in what resembles Darth Vader’s summer dress helmet seems like adding insult to injury. Particularly if you remember that full-face snorkelling masks have inherent flaws that mean they aren’t much good for snorkelling and those same inherent flaws will probably mean they aren’t much good as ventilators either. This would be a stopgap at best, a temporary make-do solution to the very real problem of not having enough proper ventilators in the first place. And it will make your wheezing even worse, when it dawns on you that not only may you die because your hospital hasn’t got enough proper medical equipment, you may suffer an even worse indignity and actually be saved by a $30 beach toy. This of course would be catastrophic for healthcare systems around the world as public confidence is eroded by news of your miraculous survival.

After all what’s the point of ploughing loads of money into healthcare? Why should doctors and nurses go through all that training and what have all those research and development scientists being doing for years if the solution to treating Covid patients turns out to be a spotty student in a shed in Belgium who’s stuck a plastic thingy on a mask designed for fat people to go snorkelling in? That’s like a an Olympic skier finding out that he’d probably be better off slapping two planks of wood to his feet or an aircraft designer discovering that propellers really do work better when powered by elastic bands. It’s just too mad to think about. Science, medicine and research the world over would be a laughing stock.

But before you get all hot under the collar at such a thought we can ease yours and our own discomfort a little. You see despite myriad articles on the web explaining how and why these masks are being reconfigured, there is no actual evidence that we can find to prove that they have worked as ventilators at all. Yes there are a lot of clever people out there fiddling with things and trying to prove to their wives that the 3-d printer they bought wasn’t a waste of money but are they actually achieving anything other than publicity? We’re not so sure.

Old-School

So perhaps it’s not quite time to throw the towel in on developing proper ventilators and other medical kit. And maybe engine designers shouldn’t rush to invest in rubber just yet.

Our discomfort about all of this is further eased by the fact that these masks may have a role as personal protective equipment. Clearly the purpose of any PPE is to provide a barrier to the infection and these masks do that as long as they are fitted with a filter. Although the nurses and doctors working in ITU will probably not be too thrilled to wear them. If your putting your life on the line in Covid wards we imagine that you’d probably prefer to be wearing a certified mask that has been safety checked and tested to ensure it does actually provide protection rather than being handed something that’s been knocked up in a Berlin apartment by a student dress designer called Otto.

Still that doesn’t mean that members of the public couldn’t make use of them to help in the easing of lockdown. Mr and Mrs Average Joe can wear them as they go go about their daily business right? Well yes, as long as that business doesn’t actually mean moving about much. You see as we pointed out, these masks have inherent flaws in their design. The manufacturers even state in their marketing guff that if you use them for snorkelling, which is what they were designed for remember, you cannot swim with them on or exert yourself too much as you will quickly find that the design hinders your breathing. That’s right, the Easy-breath suddenly becomes the very hard-to-breath. So we imagine if you were wearing these things as a anti-covid mask while walking to work or heaven forbid, running for a bus, you are likely to end up needing one of those real ventilators that hospitals have run out of.

Still if you have one of those masks at the back of the wardrobe and it’s in a colour you like you might want to put it on, sit yourself down and loose yourself in the 24 hour television coverage of doom and gloom. But then if you’re staying in doing nothing, why do you need a mask at all?

For more in-depth info on why we dislike these masks read our over posts here and here. Or you can read an excellent critique of them on Scuba Doctor here.

Oh one last thing, We do know the difference between BIPAP, CPAP and Ventilators. And we know that the retrofit is geared towards BIPAP but since the media everywhere are referring to them as ventilators (which shows that a lot of people don't know what they're talking about) we thought we would refer to them in the same way. Now, tongues back out of cheeks please.....